Parenting Through Trauma: Breaking the Cycle of Emotional Abuse

 When my daughter recently caught a stomach bug, I found myself reflecting on my own childhood. Caring for her triggered memories of what it was like for me when I was sick as a child. Surprisingly, my mother was especially nurturing during those times—bringing me my favorite foods, making sure I had everything I needed.

But that same mother, the one who could be so warm when I was physically unwell, was also the mother who could be cruel, dismissive, and emotionally neglectful when I needed comfort in other ways.

This kind of emotional inconsistency is confusing, even for me—a therapist who has done years of personal healing work. It can lead to self-doubt. Was it really that bad? Am I exaggerating? Was my childhood actually as painful as I remember?

If you grew up with a parent with borderline or narcissistic traits, you might recognize this inner conflict. This is a form of self-gaslighting that so many adult children of emotionally abusive parents experience. We remember the good moments and use them to invalidate the painful ones. We convince ourselves that because there were happy memories, the bad ones must not have been that bad.

But here’s the truth: Both things can be true. You can have happy childhood memories and have experienced emotional abuse. You can acknowledge moments of warmth and recognize the deep pain caused by a parent’s unpredictability and cruelty.

Signs of Emotional Abuse and Inconsistency in Childhood

Growing up with an emotionally inconsistent parent teaches you to brace yourself constantly. You never know which version of your parent you’ll get—kind and caring or angry and cruel. This instability shapes how you experience love and relationships. You may have learned to:

• Walk on eggshells, constantly monitoring their moods.
• Doubt your own reality, questioning if your memories are accurate.
• Believe love is something you have to earn by being “good.”
• Suppress your emotions to avoid triggering their anger.

These patterns don’t just disappear in adulthood. They often show up in relationships, self-esteem, and even parenting.

Recognizing the Truth: Emotional Abuse is a Choice

I’ve struggled with the idea that maybe my mother didn’t mean to be cruel. But the fact that she could turn kindness on and off like a switch tells me otherwise. She knew how to be nurturing when it was convenient. She knew when to hide her anger and who to hide it from.

When someone is capable of warmth but withholds it at their discretion, that’s a choice. And when someone chooses when and where they exert their abusive behavior, that’s control. It’s a sad realization, but also a freeing one—because it allows me to stop making excuses for her and twisting my own memories to protect her image.

Breaking the Cycle: Healing Through Conscious Parenting

Parenting my daughter through the lens of my own childhood trauma has been a healing journey. It has shown me what it looks like when a child:

• Feels safe expressing their emotions without fear of backlash.
• Doesn’t have to regulate an adult’s moods to avoid conflict.
• Is celebrated for who they are, rather than criticized for their differences.

If you grew up with a parent who made love feel conditional or frightening, I see you. I know how easy it is to doubt yourself. But I also know this: You deserved better. You deserved love that wasn’t unpredictable.

Breaking the cycle of trauma and emotional abuse takes deep self-awareness and a willingness to develop the skills we were never taught. It requires learning how to regulate our own emotions and respond to stress in a healthy way. It’s hard work—but it’s possible.

Am I the perfect parent? No. But every day, I choose to show up in a way that ensures my daughter feels safe, loved, and valued. That is what healing in action looks like.

Want More Support? Listen to You’re Not Crazy

I talk more about these experiences in this week’s episode of You’re Not Crazy: A Podcast for the Adult Children of Borderline and Narcissistic Parents. Listen now on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube.