Breaking Free from Guilt When Dealing with Challenging Family Dynamics

Listen on Apple Podcasts | Listen on Spotify | Watch on YouTube

Growing up with a parent who has borderline or narcissistic personality disorder (BPD/NPD) is a uniquely challenging experience. One of the most common and deeply ingrained struggles adult children of these parents face is guilt—especially when it comes to setting boundaries. If you’ve ever felt an overwhelming sense of guilt just for prioritizing your own needs, you’re not alone. This week on the podcast, I’m diving deep into why this guilt feels so suffocating and, more importantly, how to manage it in a way that supports your mental and emotional well-being.

Let’s start with an important distinction: guilt itself isn’t inherently bad. In its healthy form, guilt helps us recognize when we’ve hurt someone or acted in a way that goes against our values. It can be a useful tool for self-reflection and growth. But the guilt you feel in relation to a BPD or NPD parent? That’s a different beast. This isn’t healthy, self-corrective guilt. It’s guilt that has been weaponized—used to control, manipulate, and keep you enmeshed in a dysfunctional dynamic.

A parent with BPD or NPD often uses guilt as a tool to influence behavior, making you feel like a terrible person for needing space, setting boundaries, or even just having independent thoughts and feelings. This kind of guilt can feel all-consuming, tricking you into believing that you’re abandoning or betraying your parent simply by taking care of yourself. The first step in managing it is recognizing it for what it is: a learned response, not an objective truth.

One of the most important things I encourage my clients to do is develop awareness around when guilt shows up. Pay attention to the moments it creeps in—when you tell your parent “no,” when you choose not to respond to a guilt-tripping text, when you consider taking a step back from the relationship. Instead of automatically assuming the guilt means you’re doing something wrong, pause and ask yourself:

• Is this guilt coming from a genuine wrongdoing, or is it a conditioned response?

• Who benefits from me feeling this way?

• If I weren’t feeling guilty, what choice would I make?

This kind of self-inquiry is powerful. It allows you to separate toxic, manipulative guilt from the kind of guilt that actually serves a purpose. When you can step back and see your guilt for what it is, you begin to take back control of your emotions and choices.

Another major reason guilt feels so intense is because we’ve been conditioned to believe that setting boundaries makes us “bad.” Growing up with a BPD or NPD parent, you may have internalized the idea that love is synonymous with self-sacrifice. Saying no? That’s rejection. Needing space? That’s abandonment. Having your own emotions? That’s selfish. When these messages are drilled into you from a young age, breaking free from them feels nearly impossible.

But here’s the truth: setting boundaries is not cruel. It is not selfish. And it does not make you a bad person. It is an acknowledgement that your well-being matters too. You are not responsible for managing your parent’s emotions, no matter how much they try to convince you otherwise. They may react with anger, disappointment, or even threats—but their feelings about your boundaries are not your responsibility.

Beyond personal work, having a supportive community is crucial. Whether it’s through therapy, support groups, or online spaces filled with people who truly understand what you’re going through, surrounding yourself with others who validate your experience can be life-changing. When you’ve spent a lifetime being told you’re wrong for feeling the way you do, hearing someone else say, “I've been there” is incredibly healing. It reminds you that you’re not the problem, and you’re not alone.

And here’s a key takeaway: You do not have to wait for the guilt to disappear before you set boundaries. Many people get stuck in the belief that they need to feel 100% confident and guilt-free before they can take action—but that day may never come. Guilt is just a feeling, and feelings aren’t facts. You can feel guilty and still do what’s best for you. The more you practice setting boundaries despite the discomfort, the less power that guilt will have over you.

Healing from the emotional grip of a BPD or NPD parent is a journey, and releasing yourself from misplaced guilt is one of the most important steps. You have the right to protect your peace, to put yourself first, and to build a life that isn’t dictated by someone else’s emotional needs. It won’t always be easy, but I promise you—it is worth it.

So if you’re struggling with guilt, remember this: your feelings are valid, but they do not have to control you. You are allowed to prioritize yourself. You are allowed to break free from the cycle. And most importantly, you deserve to live a life that feels safe, healthy, and truly yours.