Why Acceptance Matters More Than Forgiveness When Healing from a BPD or NPD Parent

Why Acceptance Matters More Than Forgiveness When Healing from a BPD or NPD Parent

The conversation around forgiveness can be incredibly misleading—especially for those of us who grew up with a parent with borderline or narcissistic personality disorder. For years, we've been told that forgiveness is a necessary part of healing, that we can't truly move on unless we find a way to forgive the people who hurt us. But what if that narrative is wrong? What if healing doesn’t actually require forgiveness at all?

In my latest You're Not Crazy podcast episode, I challenge the widespread belief that forgiveness is a prerequisite for emotional freedom. Instead, I argue that acceptance—not forgiveness—is the real key to reclaiming your life. And before you write me off completely, no, acceptance does not mean approval. It doesn’t mean you excuse or justify what happened to you. It simply means you acknowledge reality as it is so you can make empowered decisions moving forward.

The Truth About Forgiveness and Why It’s Not Always Necessary

Forgiveness is often framed as a moral imperative, something we “should” do in order to be good, healthy, well-adjusted people. But for those of us who have endured emotional abuse, manipulation, and chronic boundary violations, being pressured to forgive can feel daunting.

The truth? You don’t have to forgive your parent to heal.

In fact, forcing yourself to forgive before you're ready (or when you simply don't want to) can actually slow your healing process. It can make you feel like you're betraying yourself, minimizing the harm you experienced, or letting your parent off the hook. And if that’s the case, then forgiveness isn’t helping—it’s hurting.

Why Acceptance Is the Real Game-Changer

Acceptance, on the other hand, is empowering. It allows you to fully acknowledge the reality of your situation without sugarcoating it. Acceptance means looking at your past and saying, “Yes, this happened. Yes, it was painful. And yes, it has affected me. But I don’t have to stay stuck in this pain forever.”

Unlike forgiveness, which can sometimes feel like an impossible emotional hurdle, acceptance is something you can actively practice—right now. And the best part? Acceptance puts the focus back where it belongs: on you and your healing journey, not on the person who hurt you.

What Acceptance Looks Like in Practice

So, what does acceptance actually look like when you’ve grown up with a parent who has borderline or narcissistic traits?

• Recognizing their patterns without excusing them. Acceptance means understanding that your parent’s behaviors are rooted in their own dysfunction, but that doesn’t make their actions okay. You can acknowledge why they act the way they do without justifying or tolerating it.

• Letting go of the hope that they’ll change. One of the hardest but most freeing realizations is that you cannot change your parent. No amount of forgiveness, appeasement, or explanation will turn them into the loving, self-aware parent you deserve. Acceptance means freeing yourself from spending time and energy on something that is entirely out of your control so you can focus on your well-being instead.

• Releasing self-blame. Many adult children of BPD or NPD parents struggle with deep-seated guilt, wondering if they were somehow to blame for their parent’s behavior. Acceptance means recognizing that their dysfunction is not your fault—and never was.

• Setting boundaries without guilt. Once you accept who your parent actually is (not who you wish they were), it becomes much easier to set firm, healthy boundaries. You’re no longer trying to please them or keep the peace at your own expense. You’re simply protecting your mental and emotional health.

The Myth That Forgiveness Heals All Wounds

There’s a common myth that forgiveness is the only way to release resentment and find peace. But the reality is, you can let go of anger without forgiving. You can find inner peace simply by choosing not to engage, by setting boundaries, by redirecting your energy toward your own healing and growth.

Many of my coaching clients and members of the CBOC struggle with this idea because they’ve been conditioned to believe that forgiveness is the moral high ground. But I’m here to tell you that choosing not to forgive doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you someone who is prioritizing your own emotional needs and safety.

What If You Do Want to Forgive?

Now, let me be clear: If you genuinely want to forgive your parent, that’s valid too. But it has to be on your terms. Forgiveness should never be something you force yourself into because of external pressure or guilt. And it should never come at the expense of your own healing.

If you decide that forgiveness feels right for you, it should be something that serves you—not something that lets your parent off the hook or invites them to continue hurting you.

Moving Forward Without Forgiveness

So, if you’re not fixated on forgiveness, what does healing actually look like?

• Committing to self-validation. Instead of looking to your parent for acknowledgment or closure, give that validation to yourself. Your experiences are real. Your pain is real. And your feelings are completely valid.

• Building a support system. Healing is so much easier when you’re surrounded by people who truly get it. Connecting with others who have had similar experiences—whether through therapy, support groups, or communities like Confident Boundaries—can be incredibly affirming.

• Reclaiming your sense of self. Many of us grew up suppressing our needs, opinions, and identities to keep the peace with our parents. Part of healing is rediscovering who you are outside of that dynamic. What do you love? What do you want? What makes you happy?

• Creating a future based on your terms. Once you’ve accepted the reality of your upbringing, you get to decide what happens next. You get to choose the relationships, boundaries, and lifestyle that align with your values and well-being.

Final Thoughts

If you’ve ever felt pressured to forgive your parent just to “move on,” I want you to know this: You don’t have to forgive to heal. You are allowed to prioritize your own emotional safety and well-being without feeling obligated to extend forgiveness to someone who has repeatedly hurt you.

Instead of fixating on forgiveness, focus on acceptance. Focus on your growth. Focus on creating a life where you feel safe, empowered, and free.

And if you need guidance along the way, I’m here to help. Listen to the latest episode of You're Not Crazy for a deeper dive into this topic, or join me in the Confident Boundaries community for ongoing support from people who truly understand your journey.

Remember: Healing is about what serves you—not what makes other people comfortable.