This week’s episode of the You’re Not Crazy podcast covers why being emotionally vulnerable with a parent with unmanaged borderline personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder is always a bad idea.

If you’ve grown up with a parent who has borderline or narcissistic personality disorder (BPD or NPD), you probably know how emotionally exhausting those relationships can be. The constant push and pull, the lack of emotional safety, the manipulation, or the explosive reactions—it’s a lot to handle. And if you’ve found yourself being emotionally vulnerable with them only to be hurt time and time again, it’s time to stop.

That might sound harsh, but hear me out: being emotionally vulnerable with a parent who has BPD or NPD is not safe for you. Vulnerability requires trust and empathy—two things these parents often lack the capacity to provide. It’s not your fault, and it doesn’t mean they’re evil or intentionally malicious, but it does mean you need to protect yourself.

Why Emotional Vulnerability Doesn’t Work

One of the hardest things to accept is that these parents often can’t meet us where we are emotionally. For a narcissistic parent, any empathy they display is often performative or manipulative. It’s a means to an end, usually aimed at maintaining control or getting what they want. With a parent who has unmanaged BPD, they might be able to show up for you in the moment you are vulnerable with them, but you cannot trust that they will not later use that information to hurt you when they are feeling emotional pain.

While this feels deeply personal, their inability to offer genuine empathy or respond to your vulnerability in a healthy way is about their limitations, not your worthiness. Once you understand this, you can stop putting yourself in emotionally unsafe situations, hoping for a different outcome.

Boundaries Are Your Best Defense

If you want to maintain any kind of relationship with a BPD or NPD parent, boundaries are non-negotiable. Boundaries aren’t about controlling their behavior; they’re about protecting yourself.

For example, if your parent makes cutting or manipulative comments that leave you feeling small, a boundary might look like leaving the conversation or changing the subject. If they push for deep emotional conversations that you know will end badly, you can respond with something like, “I’m not comfortable discussing this with you.”

Detaching emotionally is another critical piece. Their reactions, words, and behaviors don’t have to define your self-worth. You’re not responsible for their feelings, and you don’t need their approval to validate your choices.

By setting clear boundaries, you take back control of your emotional space. You stop giving them access to the parts of you they aren’t capable of handling with care.

Accepting the Limitations

Here’s the tough truth: relationships with BPD and NPD parents will always have limitations. You can’t force them to change or meet you in the way you want or need. Accepting this is hard—it means grieving the parent you wish you had while recognizing the one you actually do.

But once you do accept it, everything changes. You stop expecting things from them that they aren’t capable of giving, and you start focusing on what you can control: your boundaries, your responses, and your emotional well-being.

Build a Life That Feels Safe

One of the most important things you can do is create a world outside of this relationship that feels safe, calm, and in your control. That might mean seeking support from friends, a therapist, or a community of people who understand what you’re going through. It might mean pouring energy into hobbies, goals, or interests that bring you joy.

The goal is to reduce your emotional reliance on your parent. When you create a life where you feel supported and secure outside of this relationship, interactions with your parent become less emotionally charged.

Stop Waiting for the Parent You Deserve

It’s natural to want to be vulnerable with your parent. We all crave that connection, that sense of unconditional love and support. But if your parent has unmanaged BPD or NPD, it’s unlikely they can offer that in the way you need.

Instead of waiting for them to change, focus on changing how you approach the relationship. Protect your emotional well-being with strong boundaries, detach from their behavior, and build a life where you feel safe and supported.

You deserve relationships where vulnerability is met with care, and it’s okay to step back from those that can’t offer that. It’s not your job to fix them, and it’s not your fault they can’t meet you where you are.

By taking these steps, you’re not giving up—you’re choosing yourself. And that’s a choice you should never feel guilty about. 💛

Make sure to listen to Episode 20 of the podcast to hear more of my thoughts on why you should stop being vulnerable with your BPD/NPD parent!