The holiday season can bring a mix of excitement and dread. For many, it's a time to gather with loved ones, celebrate traditions, and reflect on the year gone by. But for those of us who grew up with a parent who has borderline or narcissistic personality disorder (BPD/NPD), the holidays can feel like a minefield of emotional triggers and high-stress interactions. If you’ve ever found yourself bracing for impact every time your phone rings with a call from your parent or stepping into a family gathering full of tension, you’re not alone.

When you have a parent with BPD or NPD, navigating the holidays can feel overwhelming, and the joy of the season is often overshadowed by anxiety and fear of conflict. But with some preparation and clear boundaries, you can make it through the holidays with more peace and less emotional exhaustion.

Understanding the Holiday Stress of Having a BPD/NPD Parent

Before we dive into specific strategies for surviving the holidays, it’s important to take a moment to understand why things feel so difficult in the first place. Parents with BPD or NPD often have intense emotional needs and an unpredictable, erratic way of responding to situations. Their behavior may range from emotional outbursts, manipulative tactics, and passive-aggressive comments to outright disregard for your feelings or boundaries.

During the holidays, when expectations are high and everyone is trying to create the “perfect” experience, these behaviors tend to escalate. You may find yourself walking on eggshells, avoiding certain topics, or trying to anticipate every possible reaction to protect yourself. Unfortunately, no matter how much you try to manage their behavior, you can't control it, and that can leave you feeling trapped in an emotional tug-of-war.

The Importance of Boundaries

One of the most powerful tools you can use to protect yourself during the holidays is boundary setting and enforcing. Boundaries are essential in any relationship, but especially so when you're dealing with a parent who struggles with BPD or NPD. Without boundaries, you risk getting caught in cycles of manipulation, guilt, and emotional drama that can leave you drained and defeated.

And yes, setting boundaries is possible even when you have difficult or toxic parents. Setting clear and firm boundaries helps protect your emotional well-being and ensures that you're not giving away more of yourself than you're comfortable with. This is true year-round, but especially during the holidays when tensions can run especially high.

How to Set Boundaries with a BPD or NPD Parent During the Holidays

If you're wondering how to set boundaries with a parent who has BPD or NPD, here are some strategies you can use to prepare yourself for the holidays:

1. Know Your Limits
   Decide ahead of time what you're willing and not willing to tolerate. Do you want to spend time with them in person, or would you prefer to keep things limited to a phone call? Are you ok spending a hour together during a focused activity or are you comfortable hanging out for a longer meal? Get clear on your boundaries as soon as possible, so you can stick to them.

2. Plan Your Exit Strategy
   When you’re anticipating a challenging interaction, it's helpful to have a plan for how you’ll exit gracefully-ish. I mean, the ultimate goal is that you feel comfortable with your own actions and there aren’t any mic-drop moments on your end (trust me- having a mic-drop moment with a BPD or NPD parent is almost always a horrible idea).

   Whether your plan is walking away from a tense conversation, leaving a family gathering early, or having a phrase ready like “I’m not having this conversation right now,” knowing how to get out of uncomfortable situations is super important.

3. Accept that Because Your Parent Has BPD or NPD, So They are Going to Act Like Someone Who Has BPD or NPD
   You can’t change your parent’s behavior, but you can adjust your expectations. Recognize that your parent may not behave as you hope they will, and it’s not your job to prevent them from having a meltdown. You don't need to parent them, and it’s perfectly acceptable to protect yourself by stepping away if the situation becomes too much to handle.

4. Use Calm and Clear Communication
   If you do have to engage with your parent, try to use calm and direct communication. Avoid being reactive or engaging in power struggles. This might sound like, “I’m not going to talk about that today,” or simply not responding when they are attempting to get a reaction from you.

5. Practice Self-Care
   In the days leading up to and during the holidays, prioritize self-care. This may mean taking time for yourself to decompress, spending time with people who are supportive, or simply saying “no” to commitments that will drain your energy.

Ready to Take Control of Your Holiday Season?

If you’re feeling uncertain about how to set boundaries or just want a step-by-step guide to making the holidays more manageable with a parent who has borderline or narcissistic personality disorder, I’ve created a special resource just for you. My guide, Surviving the Holidays with a Difficult Parent, offers practical tips, advice, and strategies for navigating family gatherings, handling tough conversations, and ensuring that you’re protecting your mental health throughout the holiday season.

You don’t have to spend another holiday feeling overwhelmed or defeated. You deserve to enjoy this time of year instead of stressing about the emotional chaos. Grab your copy of the guide now and step into a holiday season where you set the terms, not your parent.

Download the guide now for just $27 and start taking control of your holidays today.