How to Deal with a Parent who has Borderline Personality Disorder
Written By Therapist and Coach, Torie Wiksell
Being the adult child of a parent with borderline personality disorder (BPD) is exhausting. As you try to establish your own family, career, and life, you may find yourself spending far too much time and energy stressed out by your BPD parent.
The relationship between an adult child and a parent with BPD is especially challenging due to the erratic fluctuations between love and abuse. One minute you may be enjoying each other’s company, the next you may be on the receiving end of a meltdown. It’s a confusing dynamic that can make you feel crazy.
So what is borderline personality disorder exactly?
Borderline personality disorder is characterized by instability in relationships, self-image, and mood, along with impulsive behaviors. Not everyone with BPD exhibits the same symptoms, but common aspects of BPD include fear of abandonment, unstable relationships, identity disturbance, impulsivity, self-harming behaviors, emotional dysregulation, chronic feelings of emptiness, intense anger, and transient paranoid thoughts or severe dissociation.
Parents with untreated and unmanaged BPD often have difficulty coping with the normal frustrations associated with childrearing. They are emotionally inconsistent and can feel both loving and scary to their children. This is obviously confusing as positive memories somehow coexist with memories of anger and emotional volatility. Children of parents with unmanaged BPD often feel like they’re walking on eggshells, never quite sure when their parent will next explode.
(Quick note: while an official diagnosis of BPD requires a thorough assessment by a mental health professional, I hope you find this information to be helpful whether your parent has received an official diagnosis or not)
It might surprise you to learn that BPD is actually quite treatable with a form of psychotherapy called dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). While BPD is treatable, it’s also a long and challenging journey. And, my guess is, you’re reading this because your parent hasn't fully committed to seeking ongoing, appropriate support.
The emotional instability demonstrated by parents with unmanaged BPD often forces their children into a premature caregiving role- robbing them of a normal childhood.
Children of BPD parents often become parentified children, working to create some sort of stability in their chaotic world. But, the reality is, kids are not tiny adults capable of being parents no matter how hard they may try.
The coping skills that parentified children develop are born out of survival and do not typically translate well into the “real” adult world. That’s one of the many reasons why many adult children find themselves struggling to deal with a BPD parent despite their sincere efforts to manage all the stress in their life. So, how do you deal with a BPD parent when you, yourself, are struggling?
Learn & Implement the Practice of Radical Acceptance
Radical acceptance is the concept of accepting reality for what it is, right now, in this exact moment. It is not the same as approval. You can accept your BPD parent’s behaviors without condoning them. Acceptance simply means you are acknowledging who they actually are instead of holding out hope they will be the person you want them to be.
Adult children of parents with BPD often spend a lot of time, energy, and resources focused on the hope that their parent might finally “get it” one day and want to create a healthier relationship with them. The reality is, you’re unlikely to convince your BPD parent to change, and the likelihood they will wake up one day and magically decide to devote the time, energy, and resources to healing necessary to be the parent you need and deserve is pretty low.
Radical acceptance is incredibly important to moving forward in life. If you can accept reality, then you can make choices that are actually within your control instead of wasting valuable time, energy, and resources focused on things that you have no control over.
So, how does this look in regards to dealing with a parent with BPD? Instead of hoping your parent doesn’t “freak out” the next time you get together, radical acceptance allows you to accept that a “freak out” is a very real possibility. The benefit of that being, you can actually plan for how you want to handle that “freak out” if it occurs, or decide if you’d rather not get together because the potential for the “freak out” is beyond your current emotional capacity. Radical acceptance is important because it allows you to take control of your life.
2. Stop Taking Responsibility For Regulating Your Parent’s Emotions
And, instead, learn how to regulate your own. As the adult child of a parent with BPD, you may experience a profound sense of responsibility for other managing other people’s emotions. This stems from being given both direct and indirect messages as a child that you were at times the cause of your parent’s outbursts and responsible for calming them down. Even worse, children of BPD parents are raised to believe it is their responsibility to prevent their parent from becoming upset at all.
Parents with BPD lack healthy emotional regulation skills. They act out when they are upset in ways that are destructive and harmful. They blame their inappropriate behaviors on other people and lack the ability to separate their feelings from their behaviors. If they are angry, they act out that anger by yelling, threatening, withholding, or punishing. Parents with BPD are so consumed by their internal pain that their behavior feels justified and even necessary.
When you grow up with a parent with BPD, it’s important to learn how to stop taking responsibility for managing your parent’s emotions and learn how to regulate your own. Oftentimes, the desire is to just avoid challenging emotions altogether, but that is not a realistic goal. You’re human and will have many pleasant and unpleasant emotions throughout the course of most days. Learning how to recognize and handle your more challenging emotions in a productive way will help you break the cycle of toxicity you grew up with. Therapy can be extremely helpful with this.
3. You Need Support From People Who Get It
There will be many people who do not understand the relationship dynamic between you and your BPD parent and encourage you to do whatever you need to to repair the relationship with your parent with borderline personality disorder. After all, blood is thicker than water- that’s sarcasm. People love to throw out stupid saying to excuse dysfunctional and abusive behaviors in families.
As a child, it’s never your job to repair the relationship with your parent, nor can you do so without any effort on their end. As far as I’m concerned, anyone who pressures an adult child to mend the relationship between the parent and child is not someone who should be giving advice to anyone.
Can you maintain some sort of healthy highly boundaried relationship with a BPD parent even if they are unwilling to work on the relationship? Sometimes yes, sometimes no, and sometimes kind of. But, that decision is yours to make and one that you are allowed to change your mind about at any time.
Finding support can be challenging as there are not many resources for adults with a BPD parent. Psychotherapy, especially with a therapist who is experienced in working with this relationship dynamic, can provide a safe space for you to learn more about yourself and heal from the trauma you’ve experienced. Coaching can be an incredibly useful form of support, validation, and guidance with setting boundaries or going no-contact.
Looking for an easy way to learn more about navigating your relationship with a parent who has borderline personality disorder? Check out my new podcast, You’re Not Crazy: A Podcast for the Adult Children of Parents with Borderline and Narcissistic Personality Disorders. And, if you’re ready to start setting boundaries now, register for my online workshop: How to Set Boundaries with a Parent with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. With your registration, you’ll get a free copy of my Guide to Setting Boundaries with a Parent with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Regardless of the steps you take to deal with a BPD parent, make sure you have people in your life who validate your feelings, encourage you to make your own decisions, and provide helpful and supportive feedback when asked. Remember that as an adult, you have options available to you now that you didn’t have as a child growing up in this environment. You don’t have to keep going along with how things have always been if the status quo is making you feel miserable.
Torie Wiksell, Therapist and Coach
Therapist and Coach, Torie Wiksell, specializes in supporting the adult children of parents with borderline and narcissistic personality disorders in both her therapy private practice, Torie Wiksell Therapy, and as an online coach through Confident Boundaries. In addition to spending a large portion of her 11+ year psychotherapy career working with clients with personality disorders, Torie also grew up with a parent who had borderline personality disorder and many narcissistic traits. Torie now works exclusively with other adults who are struggling with similar family dynamics as both a therapist and coach.
Torie is passionate about helping the adult children of parents with BPD or NPD access the information and support they need in order to set healthy boundaries and thrive. To hear her unfiltered and honest perspective on navigating the challenging aspects of these complicated relationships, check out her new podcast, You’re Not Crazy: A Podcast for the Adult Children of Parents with Borderline and Narcissistic Personality Disorders. New episodes drop every Tuesday and are available on all podcast platforms.