How Growing Up with a Narcissistic Parent Impacts You as an Adult
Written By Therapist and Coach, Torie Wiksell
Parenting is complicated under normal circumstances, and requires a delicate balance of love, support, and guidance. Emotionally healthy parenting also demands introspection, the willingness to take accountability, and the ability to repair relationships after making inevitable errors. However, as the adult child of a parent with narcissistic personality disorder, my guess is, your parent was unable to fulfill this role.
Parents with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are so preoccupied with their internal world that they are incapable of acknowledging the needs of others outside of how those needs impact them personally. This, in addition to a complete absence of empathy (a defining trait in parents with NPD), results in a devastating impact on their children that lasts well into adulthood.
So what is narcissistic personality disorder exactly?
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, an insatiable need for admiration, and an absence of empathy for others. Those with NPD often believe themselves to be special and superior, and often have fantasies of endless success or beauty.
Such individuals are also inclined to willingly exploit others in order to fulfill their own needs and desires. They feel justified in their quest to meet their own needs by any means necessary. And, when these characteristics manifest in the context of parenting, the consequences for their children can be quite severe.
(Quick note- like all mental health disorders, NPD can only be diagnosed by a mental health professional who has thoroughly assessed someone with NPD. Whether or not your parent has received an official diagnosis of NPD, I hope you find the information here helpful.)
As a child of a parent with NPD, you may have found yourself in an environment where your emotional needs were repeatedly neglected or where you were punished for having any emotional needs at all.
The self-focused nature of the narcissistic parent as well as a lack of empathy makes them emotionally unavailable to their children. As a result, you may have experienced profound feelings of loneliness and low self-worth that has continued into adulthood. Additionally, narcissistic parents often resort to manipulating their children to satisfy their own emotional needs. Strategies involving guilt, shame, gaslighting, or emotional blackmail are commonly employed by the parent to exert control over their child. This toxic dynamic fosters a deep sense of inadequacy in their child, which often results in the child adopting people-pleasing behaviors in a never-ending quest for approval from an inherently unpleasable parent.
The relentless pursuit of approval and validation from a parent with NPD often results in their child learning to suppress or ignore their own thoughts and feelings, and instead, assume their parent’s as their own. You may have become trapped in a cycle where your self-image was defined by the desires and expectations of your narcissistic parent, resulting in low self-esteem and low self-confidence as an adult.
Consequently, individuals raised by narcissistic parents may find themselves to be adults who struggle with constant self-doubt and an inability to identify what you think, want, or feel at times.
Narcissistic parents demand perfection from their children, and are quick to make their disappointment known when their unrealistic expectations are not met. This unattainable pursuit of perfection can become a theme throughout the lives of their children, fostering a normalization of relentless ambition and the lack of understanding of how to set realistic goals.
The narrative crafted by the NPD parent is one of conditional love, dependent upon the child's ability to meet an impossible standard. As a result, their child interprets rejection as a direct consequence of personal failures and will strive to be better and do better to earn their parent’s love and affection. This conditional love and resulting internalized pain can make it incredibly challenging to set boundaries with a parent with narcissistic personality disorder.
Sure, conditional love from a parent is not healthy, however our brains think that it’s better than no love at all. This cycle reinforces the feeling that the conditional love is real love. It feels good and seems to be the proof that your parent does in fact have empathy and the ability to love you. This false belief makes it very difficult to set firm boundaries or go no-contact. If you can identify this pattern of conditional love, you can start to see it for what it actually is- emotional abuse and manipulation.
In reality- conditional love from a parent to their child is not real love or healthy love. It is simply another form of manipulation that narcissistic parents use to meet their own needs at their children’s expense. And, they do so without care or concern about the trauma inflicted on their children. In order to set boundaries with a parent with narcissistic personality disorder, it’s important to remember this and prepare to cope with the pain which inevitably comes when they withdraw their conditional love as a punishment.
Finding support can be challenging as there are simply not enough resources and support for adults with narcissistic parents. Psychotherapy, especially with a therapist who is experienced in working with this relationship dynamic, can provide a safe space for you to learn more about yourself and heal from your trauma. Coaching can also be an incredibly useful form of support, validation, and guidance with setting boundaries and going no-contact.
Looking for an easy way to learn more about navigating your relationship with a parent who has narcissistic personality disorder? Check out my new podcast, You’re Not Crazy: A Podcast for the Adult Children of Parents with Borderline and Narcissistic Personality Disorders.
Regardless of the steps you take to deal with a narcissistic parent, make sure you have people in your life who validate your feelings, encourage you to make your own decisions, and provide helpful and supportive feedback when asked. Remember that as an adult, you have options available to you now that you didn’t have as a child growing up in this environment. You don’t have to keep going along with how things have always been if the status quo is making you feel miserable.
Torie Wiksell, Therapist and Coach
Therapist and Coach, Torie Wiksell, specializes in supporting the adult children of parents with borderline and narcissistic personality disorders in both her therapy private practice, Torie Wiksell Therapy, and as an online coach through Confident Boundaries. In addition to spending a large portion of her 11+ year psychotherapy career working with clients with personality disorders, Torie also grew up with a parent who had borderline personality disorder and many narcissistic traits. Torie now works exclusively with other adults who are struggling with similar family dynamics as both a therapist and coach.
Torie is passionate about helping the adult children of parents with BPD or NPD access the information and support they need in order to set healthy boundaries and thrive. To hear her unfiltered and honest perspective on navigating the challenging aspects of these complicated relationships, check out her new podcast, You’re Not Crazy: A Podcast for the Adult Children of Parents with Borderline and Narcissistic Personality Disorders. New episodes drop every Tuesday and are available on all podcast platforms.